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Dear Belladonna: I am the only one of my friends who is married. Now, when people get together to go out, they don't invite my husband and I because we're not scoping for prospective lovers. How do we remind them that we still like to have fun?

Dear Still Looking: Oh, God, don't you know they're right? Why would you enjoy spending any time with people who haven't discovered the joys of domestic love? Come on now, you exist in this special stratosphere that everyone yearns for -- why bother with friends, since you have a live-in confidante/sex partner already? What more do you want, you selfish fiend? Besides, once you've become a queen, is it really seemly for you to hang out with the common folks? Absolutely not! But, if you insist, you might want to throw a massive blow-out which will remind them that you are still the wild and crazy chick you were before the vows were exchanged. You can take the girl out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the girl!

Dear Belladonna: I have a friend who wears fake breasts. One night, one of them fell out of her dress onto her table. To cover up everyone's shock at its arrival, I picked it up, addressed it and then threw it at her -- but it ended up in some guy's margarita. She was so mad! She thinks I did it on purpose to reveal her little secret. I was only trying to add some humor to the situation. How do I make up for what she thinks I've done?

Dear Pal: Hmm, how did the guy react to the rubbery addition to his drink? Remind her that now, at that particular establishment, she is infamous. I know how she feels. You see, one night I was at a little Mexican joint with a friend, and I lit a match for her cigarette. However, earlier in the day I had spilled perfume on my sweater -- it was black so it didn't leave a stain and I wore it out that night because it actually smelled quite good. Well, something in the perfume was flammable and there I was, a ring of fire around my belly the likes of which Johnny Cash has never seen. Naturally, the first thing I did was whip off my clothes in the restaurant, and I threw the flaming shirt on the ground and stamped out the fire. When the place exploded in applause, I realized I was standing there wearing only my bra. I was horrified, but I covered it up by bowing to everyone and then spending the rest of the evening wearing a shirt the bar guy gave me.

Everytime I went back there, I got free food and everyone knew who I was. My embarrassing moment turned out to make a little niche of notoriety for me in my home community. I enjoyed it for a while, but when they wanted me to start doing it again to entertain folks, well, I had to quit. In any case, arrange another party for her at the same place and get them to treat her like a queen. She'll thank you instead of hating you!

Dear Belladonna: My sister used to date the man I am about to marry. I feel like she now has access to something that should be mine only (meaning information about his personal life). What should I do? Do we talk about it or forget about it?

Dear Sleeping: If you're kinky, you can trade information on him and demean him. Otherwise, maybe it's best left alone. You and your sister can discuss it and decide to let it lie. If you don't believe me, watch Woody Allen's "Hannah and Her Sisters." Those gals got along swimmingly! Besides, who better to take family advice from than Mr. Allen -- Mr. Morality -- right? Happy marriage!

Dear Belladonna: My brother is always crying poverty to us but somehow he ends up finding the money for expensive fishing trips in the Caribbean or the best seats at a sporting event. How do I get him to stop complaining without seeming too mean or jealous?

Dear Weeper's Sibling: Tell him to stop his whining, period. Whether or not his crying is justified means nothing. Who wants to listen to all that complaining day in and day out? Or you could ask him to make you part of his wealthy second life -- a little blackmail between siblings never hurt anybody!

Are you living in a dicey tumult of confusion these days? Let Belladonna put you back on track. No question too great or small. E-mail your queries to: bella@mostnewyork.com. Equal Opportunity Answerer.

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