Lesbian Custody

A judge has ruled a lesbian woman can share custody of a boy she helped raise. The woman stayed home to raise the 2-year-old boy while her lesbian partner went to work will be able to share custody of the child, even though she isn't the biological mother, a judge has ruled. Experts who follow lesbian custody battles say the decision goes further than any other in granting broad custodial rights to a woman who is not the child's birth mother. The partner, identified only as R.E.M., stayed home to take care of the boy while her partner, S.L.V., worked at a hospital. The Lakewood couple decided to have the child together, chose a sperm donor to inseminate S.L.V. and sent out birth announcements with both women's fingerprints on them. "The court is satisfied that R.E.M. has been able to show that she stands in the shoes of a parent to the child and should be accorded the status of parent in parity with S.L.V.," Superior Court Judge Vincent Grasso wrote in his decision issued Monday. Kate Kendell, who heads the National Center for Gay and Lesbian Rights in San Francisco, called the decision "an enormous victory." "Our children have as much right to a continuing relationship with both parents as any other child of two parents," she said. But Grasso's decision, delivered from Ocean County, is not binding statewide and follows an opposite opinion issued in Essex County in September. "Right now, you have a situation that really cries out for an appeal," said Paul Urbania, S.L.V.'s attorney. "The law in New Jersey shouldn't depend on where geographically you're located." Lawyers are still formalizing the details, but R.E.M. will likely be able to care for the boy for three or four 12-hour days a week while S.L.V. is at work, as well as on alternate weekends, said her attorney, Bettina Munson. R.E.M., a former bartender, does not work because of a permanent disability to her arm. Both women must share the cost of supporting the boy, identified only as A.J.M.V., the judge said. The boy, who was born on March 2, 1996, goes by the surname of both women. The couple, who met in 1989 and moved in together in 1991, chose a sperm donor together with a genetic profile that was compatible to theirs once they decided to have a child. S.L.V. was inseminated because R.E.M. had had a hysterectomy, the opinion said. "My client was there when she was inseminated. My client was there for every ob-gyn appointment, the first Lamaze class," Munson said. The women went by "mommy" and "ma mere" and drew up respective, detailed family trees for the baby. The relationship ended in November 1996, although S.L.V. remained in the home until September 1997, the opinion said. R.E.M. sued for custody a month later.